How is my best never quite good enough?

How is my best never quite good enough? Of course a lot comes from growing up and always being told that I didn’t do it right or that’s not the way it’s supposed to be. When as a adult do you overcome all those hurts and move on? I do not see that ever happening.

I have struggled with depression for 8 years now and it has such a grip on me that sometimes I just want to scream.
Today started out pretty good , I came home from dropping the kids off and cleaned my truck out. I came into the house and cleaned it up then had a seat to talk to a friend that had called me. After getting off the phone I felt that sinking feeling that I get when my depression kicks in. Nothing in particular kicks it off, and I don’t understand. So now here I am feeling very blue and wishing for the rapture! It wouldn’t take much for me to cry right now. Anybody else battle with this? I am not a person to take pills or ask for help , but I am thinking that may be the only think that helps me get out of this.

Yes, I have thoughts of suicide many , many times. I talk to friends when this happens usually and can get over it. BUT I get tired of hearing …
- It’s gonna be ok.
- Just pray and God will take away your pain
- I will be here for you, just call me! ( but are they really every there when you need them?)
- It’s not worth killing yourself.
- What will happen to your kids?

My kids are the only thing that keeps me going. They give me unconditional love and tell me how awesome I am all the time.

I seem to be just rambling but feel a bit better. If your reading then thanks for letting me just ramble and ramble in my first blog.